Transformation
by xtwilightfantasy
Summary: Bella is in the middle of her transformation into a vampire. What does it feel like? What do the Cullens think?
1. Goodbyes

**Author Note: **This takes place after Eclipse and assumes that Bella has already married Edward. It's my first fanfic, so I would appreciate it if you leave comments and/or advice. I'm pretty busy, but I'll try to update as often as I can. Thanks for reading!

**Disclaimer:** As much as I wish I do, I don't own Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and/or any of these characters. Stephenie Meyer does. I only worship her. XD

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**Transformation**

"Well", said Carlisle quietly. It's time, Bella. Are you ready?"

I nodded dumbly, too dazed by the morphine he had given me to answer.

"You'll be fine, dear." Esme took my hand and squeezed it gently. "We'll stay with you the whole time."

She guided me to the mattress and let me plop down onto it. I could feel Edward's golden eyes following me from where he sat in the corner of the bedroom. They were watchful, protective. Even though my vision was beginning to fuzz around the edges, I could still see everyone's faces and expressions clearly. It comforted me, knowing I wasn't alone.

"If it makes you feel any better," chirped Alice, "I already saw us with you on your first hunt!" Suddenly, she frowned, her eyes glazing over. "Oh." Her brow furrowed. "I've never seen a vampire trip and fall before."

A rumbling erupted from my other side. It took me a minute to realize that it was Emmett. He was laughing. I would have groaned, but suddenly, I was feeling very numb and sleepy.

As lighthearted as the conversation was, I couldn't help but feel the tiniest bit sad for the life I was leaving behind. I wasn't going to be human anymore. There would be new challenges. I was letting my old life go.

Even so, I still felt somewhat relaxed, happy even, although I suspected Jasper had something to do with that. Because I was getting the Cullens in exchange—my family. And more importantly, Edward.

They stepped forward to reassure me one last time. It was just a little bit sad, but it was a very, very sweet moment. Even Rosalie surprised me, giving me a quick squeeze before retreating, the traces of bitterness gone from her eyes for just an instant. My vision was beginning to blur now.

Edward was suddenly by my side, and before I could take a breath, he was crushing me against him, his eyes burning a breathtaking sunset gold. His skin left a tingling feeling where it touched mine. He sat down next to me, gently pushing me so that I was lying down.

"It's time, love."

The rest of the family quickly surrounded me. Dimly, I felt Alice peck my cheek and Esme kiss my forehead. Cool hands brushed against me and pushed my hair off my face as something dug hard into my wrists and ankles. Everything was spinning, so I closed my eyes.

Vaguely, I thought I heard the sweet, haunting notes of my lullaby, echoing in the room, before everything slipped away into darkness.


	2. Last Dream

I must have fallen unconscious, because the next thing I knew, I was seeing things. Memories, my life flashing past my eyes. It couldn't have been real. It wasn't possible. The dreams were beautiful and soothing to me, but frightening and painful at the same time.

First I saw Edward, standing in our meadow, glittering and glowing in the sunlight with his eyes closed, singing softly. As usual, he was breathtakingly beautiful, and the forest took on a dreamlike quality. But the difference was the extreme clarity of the vision. I could see every leaf in the trees and every speck of dust on the ground in exquisite detail. The grass and the diamonds in his skin seemed to be razor sharp, and the colors were unbelievably vibrant and full of light. It was as if I had been living life from behind a screen that was finally being peeled away; like I was seeing for the first time. It was true beauty.

And then the images blurred, faded and changed. Suddenly, I was back at the beach in La Push with Jacob once more, laughing. Again, I could see the ultrafine details. Both of us, the Bella and Jacob from long ago, had expressions of happiness and rapture on their faces. The parts of me that would have ached, seeing us like that, seemed to have gone numb. It was like they were people from another story, the boy and girl. I didn't seem to belong there. And though I still wanted to be able to be back in those times, it didn't hurt anymore, watching us.

Other dreams came too. Renee, leaning over me in the hospital bed in Phoenix, after the incident with James. Charlie, shaking his head over yet another disastrous attempt at making dinner, both of us laughing. Helping Angela with her correspondence. Jacob again, his face innocent and radiating joy and happiness. There were many others—Ben, Eric, Jessica, Mike, Tyler, Austin…even Lauren. The La Push werewolves seemed to be in the background, all in human form. I thought I heard Leah, yelping, as Embry, Seth, Jared, and Quil laughed.

Their faces converged, all but Edward's; melted together and then drifted apart, each unique and different, yet somehow all the same. I heard all their voices at once, laughing and whispering, echoing joyously throughout my mind.

In harmony, all their voices melded together to convey a single, lingering thought.

_Goodbye, Bella._

It was then that I realized that I had seen the faces of all the people I could no longer be with, could no longer see. It was the price I was paying to be with Edward forever, and it was worth it, but it hurt still.

As I slowly resurfaced, awakening, I could feel the wet droplets of tears, streaming down my cheeks.

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_**AN: ** In response to a few of the comments and reviews I've gotten...Like I said, it is the first fanfic I've written, and I'm happy to get so many positive comments. I will try to update as often as I can, but that depends on how fast I can write! I'll do my best to reply to your reviews. And no, at this point Bella isn't a vampire yet. The transformation is just beginning..._;) 

_But once again, thanks for reading!_


	3. A Mother's Love

**_Esme_**

I watched my daughter sink into unconsciousness and touched her face, as lightly as I could. I leaned over her, still sitting, my hair hanging like a curtain, as I kissed her forehead softly.

"Dearest Bella…," I breathed, looking toward her innocent face, peaceful in her sleep. "You'll be all right. It will be over very soon." Lines of worry were beginning to etch themselves on Edward's face, I nodded toward my son comforting, reassuring him, and myself, as well as I could.

My husband spoke quietly, his voice musical, yet somehow strained. "Esme, darling?"

The words jolted me back to the present, away from my bubble of thought. "Yes, dear?"

His words were subtly laced with concern. "About the morphine…"

"Yes?"

"It's probably going to only last until tonight. Twenty-four hours, at the most." He sighed, running a hand through his light hair.

"No one, not that we know of, anyways, has ever been…_changed_ with narcotics in their bloodstream…I was afraid something might happen, or that there might be side effects, so I didn't give her very much…" He trailed off.

I heard a sharp intake of breath from the other side of the bed. I saw Edward's expression tightened ever so slightly.

I spoke quickly, trying to soothe him. "It won't affect her that much, will it? She'll be in less pain, at least for today…and then it will be over before we—."

"It's all right, Esme." Edward's voice was relatively calm, but he seemed weary, and that, more than anything, frightened me a little. "Don't worry. I'm sure she'll be in perfect condition. I understand, Carlisle." He shrugged as a small smile appeared on his face. "I was planning on staying with her the whole time anyways…"

"If you want it that way." It was Rosalie that answered for me. The words held a careless, nonchalant edge to them. Despite the slight grudge she held against Bella, I was sure that, deep down, she really did care about her, at least a little. They could work things out. I had complete trust in them that they would.

"Edward, go rest." Carlisle commanded. "We'll call you when…when she needs you."

Edward nodded once, then flew from the bedroom.

"I'll stay for now," I called after him. The words came out without a single second of thought. It would be so incredibly wrong if I didn't stay with her. The thought of Bella, all alone in her pain, horrified me. I reached for my daughter's hand.

It was incredibly satisfying, seeing them together, Edward and Bella. He had finally found a partner, a soul mate. A hundred years was a long enough time to wait. I had been afraid that there was something wrong with him, that Carlisle had changed him too early in his human life, but it seemed now that my fears were unsubstantiated, silly.

She was getting what she wanted, my little Bella, so that she and Edward could be happy together, for all of eternity.

That was all that I could truly ever want from the two of them. They were both my children now, and seeing them so joyous made my unbeating heart throb with content.

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_For those of you who didn't see this before...in the future, new of updates/other stories will be posted on my profile._


	4. A New Beginning

_**Carlisle**_

I watched over Bella with Esme, concerned for her safety. Had it been the right thing to do, giving her the morphine?

Seeing her sleeping, it seemed like it was. For now, at least, she would have some time, some peace.

It was Edward that truly worried me. Having lived with our son for so long, I believed that Esme and I understood him well enough. I saw the pain in his eyes; the pain when he had bitten her, horror and shock afterwards.

It reminded me of myself.

Hadn't I done this time enough before, when I had changed him? Esme? Rosalie? Emmett? Each time had been different; during different times, for different reasons.

Yet it was all the same. The trauma, the horror, the nausea for what I had done, for the pain I was causing. The twin weights of responsibility and guilt, for taking away their humanity. Their lives.

I had killed them.

It wasn't my fault this time. But it still didn't make me feel any better.

There was all that in Edward's face. I had sent him downstairs because of it. I knew that he would stay with Bella, and I wouldn't try to stop him, but for now, he seemed in a trance. Better to leave him alone temporarily.

Esme and I had a new daughter now. One more person to share our life with. One more vampire to take care of. Another person to brighten up the eternity of our odd family. Someone else to love, and to be loved back by.

I decided, like I had those times before, that I would try to make the transition as easy for her as possible. Teach her all that I could about this life. She deserved it. It would be a new start for her – a new beginning, like the rising of the sun.

I closed my eyes, leaning back into my seat, thinking, waiting.

I was there when the screaming started.

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_**AN: **Yes, I know that was a REALLY short chapter, and that it was kind of a cliffhanger. And that the title kind of made you think it was over. I'm sorry.__ Really..._  
_ -cries- Don't hurt me! Please...I promise I'll do better next time...!!  
Ahem. Anyways...  
My intermediate project is going to be another story, so if you don't see me around for a while (meaning a week or two), that's why. __There's more info about the new story on my profile.__ But I definitely will update still, as soon as I get inspiration. I promise.  
Thanks for reading! You guys are the best._


	5. Fire and Ice

_**Bella**_

Pain.

Like a newborn baby and its mother, it was the only thing that I was aware of.

The first wave of it hit me so hard that I would have collapsed if I hadn't already been lying down on the bed. I gasped, more from the sudden shock of it than anything else. And then I cried aloud in agony.

Every inch of me was on fire. Burning painfully, numbing and fiery at the same time. My flesh was being scalded.

I couldn't help it; I writhed and thrashed on the bed, screaming and crying ceaselessly. Ten thousand white-hot needles plunged into my skin whenever I moved, but I couldn't hold still. I had no control. My body was uncontrollable; rendered powerless by the venom pulsing through my veins.

It hurt beyond belief. It had to be a hundred, no, a thousand times worse than what James had done to me in Phoenix.

Or was it? I couldn't remember anything anymore. I knew of nothing but the searing flames enveloping me, the waves of agony and pain rearing high up over my head, overwhelming, sending throbbing pulses through my body.

It was a different kind of pain compared to when Edward had left me, yet it hurt just as badly.

Was I still alive, even? Was I dying? It felt like I was.

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I wasn't sure what I said, or, more accurately, screamed as the fire raged on. I wasn't sure of anything but the horrendous pain. During that time, I was never sure if it was day or night, or even how long it had been since Edward had bitten me. The hours, (minutes?) blended together, lost in the fire. 

The sound of pattering footsteps and urgent voices faded into a whine. Once again, strong hands restrained me, grabbed my arms, stroked my face.

This time, the hands felt chilly, like ice.

Their frosty skin did not ease the pain. I was pressed up against a mass glacier, suffocating. I was burning on the inside and the outside both, with some eternal flame charring me, eating away at my skin. My throat felt raspy and dry, like snakeskin.

My humanity, and the reality of the moment, seemed a lifetime away.

Sometimes I was able to open my eyes. Other times, even hanging on took every ounce of effort and energy that I had left.

I slipped in and out of consciousness, unaware of anything except the sensation of being burned alive.

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_**AN:** Yes, that was heinously short. Sorry to disappoint everyone. As you probably know by now, this chapter is pretty much why the story is rated T. Because it's so...torturous. As for updates... -points to profile link- Thanks for being sooo patient with me! -goes to burn homework-_


	6. Decisions

_**AN:** Before I start, I'd like to apologize first for the stupidness of my computer/Internet, and my lack of inspiration. To make up for this as well as I can, I present to you the longest chapter yet in this story (752 words, at last count - you actually have to scroll!). Also, my new story is almost finished and should -fingers crossed- be up in the next week or so. And finally, thanks to all you readers for commenting and encouraging. Couldn't have done it without you._

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_**Alice**_

I slipped from the room as soon as I could, with Jasper in tow. I had already seen what was coming. The tides of emotion would drive Jasper crazy—I didn't even need to look ahead to see that. All their worrying—they were just so darn serious!

Why did everyone act like it was her funeral?

Bella was going to be perfectly fine. Her transformation would go easier than any of ours; that was for sure. She would get a nice, pain-free day, for one thing, and then it would all be over soon…

The change was going to be no problem. It was what would happen_ afterwards _that concerned me. Teaching Bella about our way of life would be simple enough.

But what about her memories? Would she remember everything from before? And what about _her_? Could she still be Bella Swan, the sweet, clumsy sister I knew so well?

That was what _really_ worried me. She could transform into someone I didn't know, an alien stranger, so different from the human girl I knew so well. Could I do anything to prevent that?

I didn't know.

I didn't want her to change, or to turn into someone, or _something_, else. I didn't want to lose her. She was my sister, my best friend, really, and I loved her – as Bella, not some bloodthirsty newborn.

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I was discussing this with Rosalie, in her room, while we were riffling through her closet. Ever since she had told Bella her story, she seemed to be more open, and more inclined to be nice to her. It was a good change, if a little strange. 

"It's a good thing for Bella, changing." I stated, picking up a sheer red top. Rosalie nodded absentmindedly, taking it from my hands.

"She made the right decision, I think. For herself, anyways. I'm not sure about Edward…but I guess he can't argue, really. I mean, remember what happened in Italy? If it happened again, I don't know_ what_—"

Oops. I cut myself off, seeing her flinch visibly. I apologized, and she distractedly tried to change the subject. We were rescued from the awkwardness by an interruption from Carlisle.

"Alice."

I glanced up at him, mildly alarmed by the tone of his voice. He looked tired, sad, weary. Old.

It irritated me that I could do nothing about it, that I couldn't convince him to relax. I thought I heard screaming from the other room, and immediately knew what was happening.

_Bella._ The thought cut through.

"Alice? Can you go get Edward? She…I think you'd have an easier time talking to…" He trailed off, looking at me with a pleading expression, knowing that I would know.

I bobbed my head up and down, hearing the urgency and hints of desperation in his request.

"Of course. Rosalie? You can come with me if you want to." I looked up at her face quizzically, trying to decipher her expression.

She shook her head, a wry smile on her face. She looked tired too.

I focused, a still picture swimming across my vision.

"Okay. He looks bad, anyways."

* * *

I found Edward downstairs, sitting on the bench of his piano, staring into empty space and not playing. 

"Edward."

He looked up, his eyes cloudy, dark, and foggy-looking.

"Bella—," I started.

He looked more exhausted and unsure than I had ever seen him before. It seemed deeply wrong. He was always so sure of himself, so confident. This was scary.

"Alice?"

"Yes?" I tried to sound optimistic and cheerful. Sometimes that worked to lighten his mood.

"Am…am I doing the right thing?" he asked hoarsely. Apparently, cheerfulness wasn't going to help. I immediately dropped the charade.

He wasn't just unsure; he looked completely lost, like a ragged little boy on the streets, raw, lonely, and helpless.

I knew what he was asking for. Guidance; some sign that he was right to do this, that she would be okay.

A part of me almost said something to comfort him. Anything would be okay. Anything but that look he was giving me.

A bigger part told it to shut up.

Somehow, I didn't want to look ahead anymore, not for this. For once, the idea of me looking into the future felt intrusive, _wrong_. He needed to discover this himself, I decided.

"That's for you to find out." I hugged him, then gently took him by the shoulders and steered him upstairs, toward the sound of Bella's voice.


	7. Observations

_**Emmett**_

I watched Bella in silent horror.

Two days had gone by since Edward had bitten her. That was two days of hearing her pain. Two days of watching Edward brood and Mom fret; two days of Rose and Alice tiptoeing through the house, of personally witnessing Jasper cringe every time Bella opened her mouth to scream.

To tell the truth, I missed our family. Our wonderfully noisy, happy,_ normal _family.

Well, as normal as we Cullens get.

And I missed Bella too, our hilariously klutzy human. True, she wasn't going to be human for much longer, but still…

I decided to go check on her, just for the heck of it. I hadn't gone in that room since the bite, but I was curious to see how it was coming along, and, to be serious, I was bored as hell.

It was a lot different from what I had expected.

The first thing was that Rose was there. It was weird, seeing that she and Bella were never really that close. As soon as I came in, she walked over to the door, kissing me quickly before she flew out the room, her loose golden hair streaming out behind her. I couldn't help but sigh. She was so beautiful…

But the most shocking thing was Bella.

She was just…lying there. Writhing and flailing like a fish, despite Edward's holding her against him. I could hear her breathing, gasping for air. It would have been funny if I hadn't known what was happening.

I flinched as she let loose a pealing, bloodcurdling scream, one that rivaled Rose's when she was mad at me.

That happened a lot.

Her eyes, whenever she opened them, showed intense pain. They were wild, but dazed at the same time. It really reminded me quite a bit of my own change. The burning was blazing hellfire in your veins. It couldn't really be accurately put it down in words.

I settled myself against the wall, from where I could get a good look. It felt kinda wrong, to be honest, watching them, like I was spying or something. They weren't doing anything, not that they could with Bella like this, but it seemed so romantic and somehow so intimately private that I looked away.

There was something different; the way he held her, so gently, and just how damn _breakable_ she looked, like a china doll in his hands.

It was sweet, in a way, tragic, with a sort of Romeo and Juliet feel to it. And he was…humming? Weird. Yet, once again, sweet and tragic at the same time.

But seeing them together reminded me of just how much they loved each other, truly loved one another. They were more than soul mates.

Christ, Rose, Alice, sometimes even Esme, told me sometimes that I was the most inobservant out of all the Cullen boys, and even I could see how perfectly they fit together.

I still had a kick out of making fun of Ed sometimes, teasing him, irritating him to the point where we had actual fights that could only be broken up by Mom.

But the truth was, he really did love Bella, and she really did love him. It was a fact.


	8. Mixed Emotions

_**Jasper**_

I fled from the house. The roiling emotions pouring out of everyone were just too much.

There were so many solemn feelings floating around that I was beginning to feel depressed. And Bella's agony and screaming was giving me an extremely hard time.

My head felt like it was about to burst. It was unbearable, but I could only imagine what it felt like to Edward.

I couldn't be in the same room as Bella. It was hard enough already without adding her feelings to the mixed jumble. I was so confused…

This was not the first time I had seen someone change. I had bitten humans before, many, many times, on Maria's orders, of course. It was always the same.

But somehow, this seemed different. I couldn't remember ever feeling something like this from anyone, ever.

There was pain; there was the agony I had come to expect from these mortals whom I had walked with once upon a time. And yet there was a sort of peace, tranquil and calm, that floated with the suffering. And the changing was a lot more personal too, affecting me more than ever before.

Bella scared me, a little. She was so unafraid, and yet still so irrational at times. Her emotions were alien compared with others, and she had some sort of mystifying strength within her that set her apart from the herd.

Was it that she was more human than any of them, or less?

Maybe it was because Bella was officially my sister now, Edward's wife; not to mention Alice's best friend. But other than that, I wasn't sure how she related to me at all. She was just so different from everybody else.

And I wasn't sure what to make of her transforming, either. It would make it easier for all of us, especially me obviously, but…

Confusion was an unfamiliar emotion. While others felt it all the time, I wasn't too well acquainted with it, myself. I hated being unsure – of the future, of myself.

I realized later on that I was strangely numb about this; that I didn't know, at the time, whether to be happy, or sad, or anything, really.

Or perhaps it was because I was simply overwhelmed by the torrent of feelings.

I was happy – happy and relieved that I wouldn't have to worry about killing Bella, shedding her blood.

Sad because her life was ending, but more because everyone seemed to be.

A little bit bitter and envious, because her transition was going to be so much easier. And she wouldn't have to suffer through what I had, either.

Cheerful, at least partially, because Alice was.

Concerned about how everyone else, Esme and Edward in particular, were taking this.

Cautious, because he was probably listening to my thoughts right now.

Sometimes my extra sense was a true burden._ I can't take this any more. _I thought wearily. _I can't stand it._

I took off toward the dark forest.

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_** AN: **Gah. Sorry for the hiatus in updating. I actually had Jasper's part held hostage for a while...but then I decided to start from scratch. Teehee. Just to inform you guys ahead of time, there isn't going to be an Edward chapter, as of now. Well anyways, hope you enjoy the rest of winter break! _


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